A New Holiday Home - the hard way

The hardest way to learn is by experience but these lessons usually stay with you for the rest of your life and frequently give you something to laugh about - once your blood pressure has returned to normal. There are some lessons learnt very hard here which might enable some people to avoid the hard way and certainly entertained my dinner guests for a while.

Surely the hardest part of getting that dream holiday home in France is the buying? Hours spent searching the internet or agencies for suitable properties, the problems and logistics of arranging viewings through unreliable French estate agents (yes we have tried going direct`!), and then making the offer and signing the various contracts all in a foreign language? Thanks to Peter and Bridget of Allez Français, in fact this was the easy bit. Once we had given them a property spec, they identified a number of suitable properties, arranged viewings for a specific day and accommodation for the night before, collected me and chauffered me around. In the space of one day I was able to view several properties, all of potential interest and video them for my wife and family to see. On the basis of this we made an offer through Allez Français which was accepted almost immediately. Throughout the process, Peter and Bridget provided a continuous flow of useful information and advice and also sorted out insurance at a very competitive rate. At the completion they also accompanied me to the Notaires office and provided moral support (not to mention acting as unofficial and unpaid (!) translators.

Having located a property through Allez Français, bought and completed, it was time to furnish it and take our first holiday. We have two young children so it needed to be sorted before the children arrived. I enlisted the help of my brother and nephew and we formulated a simple plan. Friday afternoon - meet the Buzz flight from London at Poitiers, drive to Nantes for the night, hire a van to fill with IKEA furniture on the Saturday, spend Sunday assembling said furniture, family arrive Monday, brother & Nephew depart Tuesday. Easy. Undemanding. Foolproof. But life isn't like that. The tribulations as set out don't always seem to amount to much but add in stress, sleep loss and a woeful inadequacy in the local tongue and at the time it certainly got the blood pressure going.

Friday - Brother's flight approx 4 hours late into Poitiers, (not a rarity for Buzz we now understand) Arrive Nantes Hotel close to Midnight (tired). - time only for a swift drink to relax and then bed.

Saturday - Due to factors above, leisurely start to day. Pick up van 9.30, spend three hours piling up all key items at IKEA, arrive at checkout 1.30 pm. Everything cashed up, bill about Euro 3,000 (Nothing unusual -wife regularly spends this amount) - Credit card calls through for authorisation - IKEA advise it could take a couple of hours, provide voucher for free lunch.
4.00pm - no news so we do an hour at E. Leclerc,
5.00pm - no news - try brothers credit card - and company credit card, all same result.
6.00pm - offered incentive by IKEA if we return Monday to collect furniture when they are sure it will be OK.
Scrabble around for approx Euro 600 cash to buy enough to sleep on. End up with mostly useless stuff..........
6.30pm - (v.frustrated) Drive Nantes to Deux Sevre (car & van),
9.00pm ish - Arrive house in failing light. Fortunately the electric is on. We spend an hour and a half trying to find a lever combination in the utility room that produces water at the taps without an aural accompaniment resembling World War 3. (Central heating expansion tank gone wild). Eventually success - a single lever nearest the door.........
11.00pm - Not brave enough to tackle water heater tonight (gas). Have beer, inflate airbed, find mattress. Sleep.

Sunday - After a rough nights sleep, get up and have a leisurely look at property in the light of day for the first time since original viewing. Discover a selection of frogs (green ones with webbed feet for the avoidance of doubt) in swimming pool which has suffered from approx 4 weeks neglect between completion and first visit. Severe algae growth as well as a variety of wildlife.
Not much to do in the way of furniture assembly so visit Niort for lunch. Discover that virtually all credit cards no longer function (except Amex which fortunately IKEA do not accept). Enjoy a pleasant Lunch in Niort (paying with Amex!!) -
7.00pm - assemble bed and cot for children - realise certain vital parts are missing!
10.00pm - Attempt to go into garden to phone family to confirm tomorrows travel/pick up details - turning on outside light blows whole electric supply.
10.30pm - Failed to find any way of getting power - advise family not to travel (slightly unpopular) until Electric restored and blood pressure sub 200. (Settle for Wednesday).

Monday - 9.30am - realise cannot go back to Nantes for furniture until electric fixed. Gates are electric and shut - all cars/vans inside. Panic has reached its highest level. I phone Peter & Bridget at Allez Français and scream for help (Have to repel tendency to ask them to put property back on market) - and an electrician young enough to climb a 5 foot wall.
10.30am - By some miracle they locate an electrician close enough to us who agrees to visit the same day.
Midday M. Lebrun arrives doing a good impression of our saviour and leaps over wall, dismantles gates and restores power (in that order in about 15 mins). He speaks no English but my Franglais and sign language are improving rapidly! He promises to return the next day...
12.30pm - We drive the van to Nantes where fortunately Mr Credit Card is now smiling at us (following a long and painful call to the card company where I queried the wisdom of them leaving a message on my home ansaphone about a transaction in Nantes - commendably while the conversation was in English, I avoided recourse to any Anglo-Saxon).
3.30pm - We are allowed the furniture. Following a late lunch and a long session loading, we head for home and get there in time to unload in failing light... Quick beer before collapse exhausted into bed.

Tuesday - time to assemble one item of furniture before Brother & Nephew head for airport. Have to phone electrician and explain I will be out and will hide the key for him. Have to choose a hiding place based not on safety but on ability to translate into French - settle for Boite de Lettres. M. Lebrun is as good as his word and in my absence he has been, traced the fault and repaired it. I spend a long and rather lonely evening assembling furniture and having an occasional beer.

Wednesday - Following early start (more lost sleep), collect family from airport. Fortunately, they all seem to like the house (previously unseen!) Other things start to go reasonably well except light in baby room not working until we discover that the switch inside the room operates the light, not outside. (unlike the adjacent rooms). M. Lebrun returns a third time to reassemble the electric gates. His fee for three visits - €30!!

Thursday - Blow the light circuit containing the light for baby room. Fortunately - remainder of house unaffected this time!

Friday and Beyond - Lady luck decided that enough was enough and the remainder of the holiday was more successful - or at least less problematical. We managed to buy and have delivered a lava linge and a tondeuse even although we didn't really have an address. Peter & Bridget of Allez Français introduced us to a couple who would look after the house, garden and pool in our absence. We managed to assemble a barbeque and 50% of the IKEA packages and mow 30% of lawn before time to return home. Wow! What a holiday.

Phil Soulsby